NARM: Healing Attachment and Returning to your Self
Lake Superior Michigan
NARM (Neuro Affective Relational Model) is a somatic approach to working with and understanding attachment trauma and complex trauma. NARM takes a non-pathologing stance to understanding mental illness meaning they do not think in terms of people having ‘disorders’ but understand people’s issues as necessary adaptations that people had to use to survive trauma and chronic attachment and environmental failures.
What is complex trauma?
Complex trauma is a type of trauma that is re-occurring, persistent and often a part of someone’s everyday life. Shock trauma is usually a life threatening event, a car accident, sexual assault, natural disaster that has a beginning and end but complex trauma is ongoing like growing up with abusive parents, living with an abusive romantic partner, or living under ongoing systemic oppression. Attachment and relational trauma is a type of trauma that is a result of chronic misattunements from one’s caregivers or romantic relationships. Not uncommonly, many people may have both shock trauma, attachment trauma and or complex trauma. Complex trauma is not an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).
Children that may grow up to be adults with attachment disturbances are those that were not able to get their survival or attachment needs met:
-Those with shock trauma—war, deaths, health/medical traumas, natural disasters, accidents…
-Those living under systemic oppression—war, racism, poverty, capitalism, sexism, homophobia, being an immigrant and so on…
-Those who experienced neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse…
-Those who experienced chronic misattunement and attachment failures.
In ideal circumstances, a child is equipped with a good enough caregiver that attunes to their survival needs and attachment needs most of the time. Parents do not need to be perfect or have the perfect environment for their child to be healthy. If the child has good enough caregivers—they can develop a ‘secure attachment’ which is biologically necessary for their nervous system and brain to grow and also necessary for them to establish a secure sense of Self. Without this secure attachment, a child’s sense of Self becomes disorganized and their nervous system doesn’t develop properly.
A baby or child cannot regulate themselves and relies on their caregiver for nervous system regulation—this creates the necessary neuro networks that the child will need for self-regulation in the future. When the child is not experiencing co-regulation it impairs their ability for self-regulation, resiliency and having emotional capacity.
Infants and children cannot tolerate or comprehend that their environment or attachment figures are failing them (the people that they are 100% relying on for their survival) so they internalize this failing as a result of something being wrong with them. Children are not able to see that bad things happen to good people and that it is not their fault—so they identify with this failure and it continues to be a part of their identity as they grow into an adult that believes that they are ‘bad.’ This is an adaptive survival strategy that the child needs to survive these failings. The child learns to disconnect and attack their Self to preserve the attachment relationship.
A child is 100% dependent on their caregivers for their survival. For a child, who is helpless without their caregiver—preserving the relationship with their attachment figure is an absolute and instinctual requirement for their literal survival.
Babies and little children have very few survival strategies that they can use—they can:
-Dissociate
-Fragment their sense of Self—disconnect from and repress undesirable aspects of themselves.
-They can use splitting—seeing everything as either good or bad—'my caregiver is good so I am bad.’
All these aforementioned strategies are strategies of disconnection—disconnecting from the Self and from our needs. When we have to rely on strategies of disconnection it impairs our ability to connect with not only ourselves but with others—resulting in ‘attachment issues.’
When a baby or child needs to express their needs they will let out a distress signal like crying. Many parents will try to figure out what their child needs and try and sooth them. When the child’s needs are not met they will increase their distress call (screaming) and rage may show up. It is not in the child’s best interest to feel rage towards their caregivers so they often re-direct the rage towards themselves. If the child or baby is left screaming all the time without their needs being met, the baby will disconnect from their needs—expecting their needs to not be met. Also, if a caregiver is chronically responding negatively to a child when they are expressing their needs—the child will see their own needs as a threat to their attachment—thus a threat to their survival.
When a child has secure attachment, they feel like they have the right to trust, have love and to exist in this world—to be alive and to feel connected to their aliveness (life force). When a child faces chronic misattunements, they feel like they cannot expect to be loved, have their survival or attachment needs met. This results in the child feeling like being connected to their own needs and wants is intolerable—since their needs and wants are not likely to get met. The child then disconnects from their needs, wants and their authenticity.
In NARM there are 5 basic needs:
Connection—Capacity to be in touch with body, emotions, Self and others.
Attunement—Attune to our needs and recognize and reach out for nourishment.
Trust—Capacity for healthy dependence and independence.
Autonomy—Capacity for appropriate boundaries. Capacity to speak your mind without fear.
Love-Sexuality—Capacity to live with a open heart. Capacity to integrate a loving relationship with vital sexuality.
Attachment—Separation/Individuation
Attachment and connection is a necessary part of the child’s development and so is separation. According to NARM, ‘separation/individuation’ is when a baby starts to be curious about the world around them and wants to explore. It is necessary for a baby to feel like they have a safe ‘secure base’ in order to feel safe venturing out and exploring. Separation, ultimately, leads to a child’s ability to have a secure sense of Self, have self-worth and to feel confident in themselves and their ability to navigate their environment. This eventually leads to a child feeling less dependent on their caregiver and having more of a sense of agency.
When a child has insecure attachment and has an insecure sense of self, this leads to emotion disruptions, nervous system dysregulation and issues with social engagement because of an inability to feel connected to themselves in a relationship. This can commonly look like a ‘people pleasing’ strategy—leaving ourselves to take care of others. People may also feel inauthentic in relationships which leads to feelings of loneliness.
Fear of Attachment and Relational Loss
When a child is experiencing a threat to attachment, it is a existential threat to their very life and existence; the child will always prioritize the needs of the caregiver over their own needs. In order to survive this scenario, a child will shut down their own needs for separation/individuation and may even exile certain aspects of their self or their authentic Self in order to preserve the relationship. This conundrum, in NARM, is called the ‘core dilemma’—the conflict between the real authentic Self and the adaptive/survival strategy self.
Adaptive Survival Styles
Adaptive survival strategies are personality patterns that constellate around emotions and nervous systems states—that protect the child from being their authentic Self. These could be compared to the traditional Freudian ‘defense mechanisms.’
Adaptive survival strategies are necessary for survival and should be honored and respected for their role in assisting a person with surviving. These strategies can result in what some call ‘disorders’—depression, anxiety, substance abuse, personality disorders and so on. Many adults will interact with the world around them through the survival strategies rather than through their authentic Self.
States, of connection, relaxation, expansion, pleasure, fulfillment, success—can all feel like a threat to a person that subconsciously feels compelled to stay loyal to their survival strategies. People often unrealizingly engage in self-sabotaging behaviors to resist change and to avoid the true Self, emotions and to stay loyal to the survival strategies—these can become well-worn neuropathways. Growth and healing are perceived as threats to the survival strategies.
What is the goal of NARM Therapy?
Emotions help inform of our wants, needs, our nervous system states, when we are hurting, when we are in connection or disconnection. When a child has attachment disruption or trauma—they lose their ability to stay connected to their emotions and learn to try and disconnect to their emotions by trying to escape them. When a child has a secure attachment they likely will develop a sense of emotional capacity—the ability to experience a full range of emotions and not feel derailed or dysregulated.
-NARM aims to help clients connect to their emotions and inner experience through supporting the conditions for the survival strategies to recede enough for the person to experience their authentic emotions. In NARM, ‘emotional completion’ is when the client is able to connect, be present and express their authentic feelings—a goal of this work.
-NARM desires to create the conditions for the client to connect to Self and to invite all the fragmented or repressed parts of the Self to have a place at the table.
-NARM hopes to support the conditions for the client to ‘disidentify’ with the ‘shame-based identifications’–the beliefs that that they are bad.
-NARM hopes to assist the client in restoring a sense of ‘agency.’ Agency is the sense of ‘I am the one living my life’—feeling like they are able to take action instead of feeling like they are helpless and at the mercy of their survival strategies. Honoring one’s own sense of Self, their feelings and their needs gives the client the possibility of acting in a way that can get their true needs met. Agency also helps clients see the role they play in their own lives—to see that they are often acting in a way that is reinforcing their survival strategies.
-NARM wants to assist in connecting to the ‘life force’ or one’s sense of aliveness.
In NARM therapy, it is not the goal to get rid of survival strategies—or for a client to stay in connection. NARM seeks to create the conditions for the client to not feel the need to rely as much on the survival strategy—resulting in organic movement towards connection.
How is NARM somatic?
-Encourages therapists and clients to be continually tracking the body—to be informed by the responses in the body.
-Tracking nervous system states (learn more about polyvagal theory).
-Working with the ‘life force’—the spontaneous movement towards connection that is within all of us.
-To assist in the client becoming more embodied and increase the clients psychobiological capacity.
-Working in the present moment—seeing how the survival patterns are blocking connections, emotions or Self as it is happening.
When a client moves towards connection there are psychobiological shifts that can be observed or felt. Tracking the body helps track these shifts. When this occurs, the client may say:
they have a sense of settling
a feeling of lightness
a surge of energy
experiencing new emotions
lessening of bodily tensions
a feeling of clarity
spaciousness
openness
When a client is in a state of disconnection they may say they feel confusion, dysregulated, disoriented, dizzy, unclear or directionless.
When a client is in connection with their Self—they also have more capacity to sit with opposing emotional states and have more psychobiological resiliency and capacity.
To learn more about somatic therapy—check out my blog about somatic therapy.
How is Internal Family Systems and NARM similar?
NARM and IFS have some overlapping concepts:
Self=Self—both approaches have the goal of connecting the client back to their true authentic Self.
Agency=Self Lead
Life force=Self energy
Adaptive survival strategies=Parts
Emotional Completion=Unburdening of the parts
Repressed/fragmented aspects of the Self=Exiles
In both NARM and IFS the adaptive survival strategies and parts form in the same way—from environmental and attachment failings—as a way to survive. Both approaches believe in honoring and respecting the strategies or parts—and not try to get rid of them. In IFS, the characteristics of Self are curiosity, compassion, clarity, connectedness, creativity, courage, confidence and calm—these also could be seen as being in connection with Self in NARM as well.
To learn more about IFS check out my blog about IFS
How does NARM help with sex therapy?
NARM is a attachment based approach that helps us see where the attachment disruptions may be and to identify what survival strategies are getting in the way of you having the sex you want. Many of the aspects of sex can be threatening to the survival strategies:
-Vulnerability
-Connection to Self and others (intimacy)
-Connection to needs and wants
-Pleasure
Because many of us have shame-based identifications (believe we are bad)—we may believe we don’t deserve love or pleasure. We may believe that no one will ever love us (especially if no one ever has). We may have a people pleasing strategy that wants to only please our partners and feels guilt when receiving. NARM can help heal attachment so that you can have a better and more authentic connection with yourself and your partner.
To learn more about sex therapy check out my blog about sex therapy.
Reference: The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma, Laurence Heller and Brad Kammer.
Locks of Love Bridge, Hell, Michigan