Internal Family Systems: Healing all the Parts of Ourselves

Internal Family Systems/IFS Parts Art

What is IFS?

IFS is a type of psychotherapy that believes that the psyche is naturally made up of ‘parts.’ It was developed by Richard Schwartz—a marriage and family therapist that noticed these parts organically coming up in therapy over years of practice and observations. Parts are like adaptations that show up in our lives, usually in childhood, that help us survive. These parts have their own personalities, wants, needs and beliefs. This therapy approach is ‘non-pathologizing’ which means that it does not see any parts as being bad or any person as having something wrong with them. IFS states that there are ‘no bad parts’—there may be scary parts that want to self-harm or do some other extreme behavior but if you get to know this part—you will find that it just wants to protect you and help take care of you. Because of this, IFS ‘welcomes all parts’—knowing that all parts are there for a reason and all parts want to protect. IFS believes in honoring and respecting the parts and does not have the goal of trying to get rid of them.

 Types of parts:

Managers

Mangers are protector parts that try to prevent bad things from happening. Examples of some common managers are, the inner critic, perfectionist, analytical, planner or a hustling part. For adults, these parts commonly show up to help them do ‘adulting’ and show up at work or help them get things done. These parts tend to worry about things like ‘keeping it together’ and not ‘losing everything we worked for.’

Firefighters

Firefighters are protector parts that are reactive and try to ‘put the fire out’ after something bad happens. An example of this is when we feel overwhelmed and we reach for food or want to scroll on our phone to feel some comfort. Fire fighters can contribute to more addictive behaviors such as substance use, self-harm, binging and purging. Common firefighters are self-soothing parts, an avoidant part or  an angry part.

Exiles

Exiles are inner child parts that experienced the wounding and hold the painful feelings. They tend to get exiled by the protector parts because the other parts want to keep them safe by repressing them and protectors also don’t like their jobs being disrupted by these painful feelings. Some of the common exiles are child parts that hold shame, grief, feeling not good enough or fear.

Self

The Self is who you truly are at your core. When Self is present the person will know because some of these characteristics will be there:

Curiosity

Calm

Clarity

Connectedness

Confidence

Courage

Creativity

Compassion

How do parts cause problems?

Parts are well intentioned but they can be troublemakers. Many parts have self-sabotaging behaviors and often get in the way of what we are wanting for ourselves. Some parts hold some intense emotions and can create a state of inner chaos when they show up. The parts can also all get really chatty at the same times which feels overwhelming for people. Often the parts are conflicted with each other—think of a time you felt conflicted: When you were thinking about starting a new job? When you thought about moving? When you thought about dating someone? Did you feel conflicted thoughts and feelings come up around these decisions? Those were parts pulling you in different directions.

What does an IFS session look like?

An IFS session kind of looks like a guided mindfulness exercise where I may ask the client if they are willing to slow down and notice if the part is present, within them, in the present moment. If they feel that the part is present, I may ask ‘where do you feel the part in your body’—this helps bring in the somatic component into the work as well. Then, with the client’s permission, we will ask the part if they want to speak with us today—if the part says yes— we will continue but if the part says no—we will not push the part to do so. It is important to honor and respect the parts and not try to force them to do anything—in order to build a trusting relationship. If the part is willing to talk with us, then I will ask the part a series of questions that are for the purpose of getting to know the part better. If the client is able to feel Self present during this session, I will invite them to try and extend some Self energy to the part—this helps deepen and repair the relationship between the client and part. 

If the client is not comfortable doing internal work that is not a problem! We can do something called ‘externalization’ which is working with the parts externally through mediums such as sandtray work, art therapy work, using tarot cards to represent the parts or drawing out a ‘parts map’—which is a way to visualize the parts.

Some clients don’t like doing parts work—and that is fine! You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with. You do not need to force yourself to do parts work. If anything feels uncomfortable in therapy—please let your therapist know.

Parts tend to be kind of basic and just want to keep you safe.

They worry something terribly bad will happen if they don’t do their jobs of protecting you.

Some of the goals of IFS are:

-To get to know the parts better

-Help the parts feel more supported and get their needs met

-To have compassion and understanding towards the parts

-To repair the relationship between Self and parts

-To help exiles unburden the beliefs and painful feelings that they are holding on to

-To become Self lead instead of parts lead

Who can benefit from IFS?

Most people can benefit from IFS—it is a very gentle and trauma-informed approach. People that are in crisis or experiencing the trauma currently may not benefit from IFS because IFS can only be done when there is enough of a sense of safety in one’s environment and in one’s body. Once the client is safe enough and not in a crisis state—they can begin this work. Otherwise, the best course of action for this client is to seek assistance with crisis stabilization. If you are experiencing these types of issues seek help from your local crisis center and crisisline.

Some others that may not be a good fit for IFS are those that are experiencing psychosis. IFS requires a sense of being able to feel present, regulated and grounded enough.

Can I do IFS if I am on medication?

Yes you can! Some clients feel an emotional blunting effect or do not feel as connected to their body from medication but that is okay we can work with that. There is no need for you to quit or reduce your meds to do this work.

How does Somatic therapy and IFS go together?

Somatic therapy and IFS go together seamlessly because somatic work requires a person to notice and track what is happening internally and in the present moment--through mindfulness. In IFS, the client is also required to notice and track what is happening internally in the present moment. It’s important to know that parts show up in the body through, sensations, pain, temperature changes and other physiological symptoms. In this way—IFS and somatic work overlap and together can be a profound way to work with what is going on in the body. Polyvagal theory can also help inform parts work because we can notice whether a client is in fight, flight or freeze and this can also help us see what parts are present in the moment—Is it a part that wants to fight or escape? Or is it a inner child part that feels immobilized in a freeze response? Or if the client feels a sense of calm and connection we can know that their Self is present and their nervous system is in the ventral vagal/ social engagement state. To learn more about somatic work and polyvagal check out my blog on somatic work.

How does IFS and attachment work go together?

We all tend to have attachment wounds from childhood and the parts tend to cluster around these wounds. The exile may hold the pain from these wounds and the protectors may try to protect you from these wounds ever happening again. This can show up as attachment styles—like having a part that wants to avoid intimacy because it hurt you in the past or a part that wants to cling to relationships so that person will never leave you because that is what happened in the past. Working with these parts allows us to directly work with repairing the attachment wounds and ultimately the client will have a secure attachment between Self and parts which contributes to them having a secure attachment with others externally.

How does IFS and sex therapy go together?

Nothing brings up the parts more than sex! The parts tend to get very activated and can be conflicted around sex, sexual stuff and intimacy. For example, someone you want to have sex with, initiates sex and then suddenly you are not able to become aroused—there is probably a part derailing sex because they are not feeling safe or have concerns about something.

You might be experiencing pain during sex and the doctors tested you for everything and said you are fine—there may be a part saying ‘hell no’ to sex.

Parts also pick up a lot of beliefs about sex from culture, religion, the family of origin or even porn—you might end up with a many parts all holding conflicting beliefs around sex. There may be beliefs around gender, gender norms and gender roles that the parts are holding on to because of messaging they picked up throughout your childhood.

A part might believe that because you identify as a man—you are supposed to take charge and initiate sex—and you might have another part that feels like initiating sex is too risky—what if you are rejected? This can create a parts stalemate and the person can feel immobilized by it—which can be really frustrating when you are trying to have sex and this happens.

You may have been socialized as a woman and want to initiate sex but have a part that has internalized slut-phobia—what if they think I am too forward?

There may be a part that has internalized homophobia—even though you are LGBTQIA+!

There may be a part that is ashamed of your sexual fantasies or kink and is doing everything it can to repress them or shame you about them. These repressed fantasy can sometimes show up as intrusive thoughts which can be distressing for some people.

Sex and intimacy also brings up attachment wounds—another area that often brings up the parts.

Maybe you practice polyamory and there are parts that are still stubbornly pushing for monogamy or parts bringing up your attachment wounds all the time.

Maybe you want to practice non-judgmental sex positivity and you have an inner critic that insists on judging you and everyone else for their sexual behaviors.

There is so much to explore when it comes to parts and sex therapy!

To learn more about sex therapy. Check out my blog post about sex therapy.

How does IFS and sandtray work go together?

Sandtray is a great way to get to know the parts better. You can use different items to represent the parts and place them in a sandtray scene. This can bring in new insights about how the parts are showing up in relationships with one another and how they may be showing up in different situations. I may ask the client to make a sandtray scene to represent something that they are struggling with right now and then place the parts in the sandtray and see where the client puts these parts in relation to the things they are stuggling with. There are many other prompts that I can use to help a client get to know their parts better. To learn more about sandtray check out my blog post about sandtray.

Figurines to use in IFS Part Work