Sex Therapy: Somatic Approaches

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SEX THERAPY!

There are so many different things to explore in sex therapy…

You may be interested in exploring your sexual orientation or gender identity. Or maybe you need some support coming out to your loved ones. Maybe you and your partner are not sexually aligned and would like some support learning how you can get more on the same page in bed. Maybe you feel a lot of shame around sex and would like some support finding your sexual voice and sexual self-expression. Maybe you are exploring kink or have been in the kink community forever and need someone that gets it. Maybe you are venturing into polyamory or ethical non-monogamy and would like support around how to discuss boundaries with your partners. There are a multitude of reasons to get sexual support.

Some people come to sex therapy because they are experiencing sexual challenges like sexual pain, erectile challenges, vaginismus, low or no arousal/desire or other chronic health issues that get in the way of them have the sex they want. When coming to sex therapy with something that is more physiological—it may be beneficial to get checked out with a doctor first because there are many health issues, medications and other factors that could cause these issues and it would be helpful to rule these out first.

Trauma and Sexual Trauma

Sadly, sexual trauma is a common reason people come to sex therapy. Sexual trauma does not always mean that you experienced something violent. Sexual trauma can mean that you did not give your consent, you were coerced, manipulated—you may have felt like you had to go along with it, even though you didn’t want to. Many people have also experienced sexual assault or sexual abuse in their life—even in childhood. If you experienced sexual trauma and you feel like this continues to come up around sex—somatic sex therapy is a great space to work on healing.

You may not have sexual trauma but may have other trauma or PTSD and have a hard time feeling safe enough in your body to have sex or intimacy. Somatic therapy is a great way to work on this.

Shame, Religious Trauma and Cultural Messaging

Many sexual issues arise out of a sense of shame around sex. You do not have to have grown up in a strict religious environment to feel shame around sex—there are plenty of messages in the environment that are not sex positive. If you did grow up with religion (and I am not saying religion is bad—it can be good in a lot of ways), then there is a strong possibility that you received shaming messages around sex. Like sex is bad, dirty, a sin—you will go to hell if you have sex outside of marriage, or if you masturbate, or if you are gay.  You may have received many messages around gender roles as well. Like, men are strong and initiate sex or women should be modest and submit to their husbands.  If this sounds familiar and you think some of these beliefs are still lingering around sex—there could be some work around de-constructing these beliefs. If you believe these beliefs and you don’t want to change your beliefs—great! You can keep doing what you are doing.

There is a lot of cultural messaging that people pick up from their family, school, friends, the playground, porn and the media. A lot of this messaging is downright incorrect and there is a lot of perpetuation of sexual myths. In sex therapy, you will discuss the sexual education you had (usually the lack of sex education you had) and your sex therapist can help dispel some of these myths that are unscientific and are not serving you sexually. Your sex therapist can help you brush up on sex ed topics like safe sex, sti’s, consent and boundaries—all very important in order to have a great and safe sex life.

How does Somatic Therapy help with Sex?

Sex and sexuality is a very visceral bodily experience.

If there is sexual trauma, like other traumas, the body will go into fight, flight or freeze mode. Being in a chronic state of stress and survival can zap away arousal and desire. Your body is prioritizing your immediate safety and is directing all of its energy and resources towards survival—not leaving anything left over for pleasure or sex. Somatic therapy helps a client learn to track what is going on in their body, in the present moment. If the client learns to detect when they are feeling ‘activated’ or in fight or flight—they can take some time to ‘resource’ and feel more regulated before participating in sex play. Resourcing is orienting to comfort and doing some self-care—to calm the nervous system down and to have a sense of safety in the body. Once there is a felt sense of safety in the body—a person is able to access connection, openness, curiosity, playfulness, calmness—all things that contribute to great sex. Rushing sex or feeling pressured to have sex (even if it is you pressuring yourself) or chasing orgasm will likely lead to a state of fight, fight or freeze. This can feel like going through the motions or can even feel like being dissociated and checked out during sex. Some people that are socialized as women, especially, may feel obligated to have sex and become in a chronic state of dissociation during sex. Something that somatic therapy helps with is—it helps a person feel ok with being present in their body—which can ultimately lead to feeling more present in sex.

Another way that somatic therapy helps with sex is it helps you get to know your physiological responses better. Through some exploration, you may learn that you have a bracing or holding pattern—where you are subconsciously clenching your muscles in a certain area—often in the pelvic area (this can happen to anyone that has a body—male, female and nonbinary identifying folx). This can also cause some of the sexual pain, tightness and erectile challenges. Pelvic floor physical therapy is also something that can really help for this too (for all genders!). In somatic sex therapy, you can learn to support your body in feeling safe enough to unclench.

To learn more about somatic therapy—check out my blog post about somatic therapy.

How does Attachment Work help with Sex?

Attachment stuff loves to show up in our most intimate moments.

Do you feel like you always pull away when you start to feel vulnerable with your partner(s)?

Do you feel a need to control your partner(s)?

Do you need constant re-assurance from your partner(s)?

Does intimacy always feel uncomfortable?

Do you feel like it’s too hard to trust your partner, even though they are always trying to prove they are trustworthy?

Do you avoid intimacy at all cost and being in a committed relationship sounds suffocating?

Do you always prioritize your partners’ needs but ignore your own needs?

…This will all show up in bed too.

If you are human, it is likely that you have attachment wounds left over from childhood. Even the most well intentioned caregivers are not able to attune to their child’s needs 100% of the time—this can result in some disruptions in attachment. Many people grew up with parents that were chronically misattuned to their needs and may have been straight up abusive. Or some people may have had great caregivers but their first couple of relationships were terrible and now they feel that they cannot trust or open up to people. Doing some attachment work or NARM (a somatic attachment approach) can help illuminate where these attachment wounds are and some work can be done to repair them. IFS is also a profound way of working with attachment wounds.

How does Internal Family Systems (IFS) help with Sex?

Nothing brings up the parts more than sex!

The parts tend to get very activated and conflicted around sex, sexual stuff and intimacy. For example, someone you want to have sex with, initiates sex and then suddenly you are not able to become aroused—there is probably a part derailing sex because they are not feeling safe or have concerns about something.

You might be experiencing pain during sex and the doctors tested you for everything and said you are fine—there may be a part saying ‘hell no’ to sex.

Parts also pick up a lot of beliefs about sex from culture, religion, the family of origin or even porn—you might end up with many parts all holding conflicting beliefs around sex. There may be beliefs around gender, gender norms and gender roles that the parts are holding on to because of messaging they picked up throughout your childhood.

A part might believe that because you identify as a man—you are supposed to take charge and initiate sex—and you might have another part that feels like initiating sex is too risky—what if you are rejected? This can create a parts stalemate and the person can feel immobilized by it—which can be really frustrating when you are trying to have sex and this happens.

You may have been socialized as a woman and want to initiate sex but have a part that has internalized slut-phobia—what if they think I am too forward?

There may be a part that has internalized homophobia—even though you are LGBTQIA+!

There may be a part that doesn’t think you deserve pleasure and blocks your ability to receive pleasure.

There may be a part that is ashamed of your sexual fantasies or kink and is doing everything it can to repress them or shame you about them.

Maybe you want to practice non-judgmental sex positivity and you have an inner critic that insists on judging you and everyone else for their sexual behaviors.

Sex and intimacy often brings up attachment wounds—another area that often brings up the parts.

Maybe you practice polyamory and there are parts that are still stubbornly pushing for monogamy or parts bringing up your attachment wounds constantly.

Maybe you have a ‘people pleaser’ part that feels like they can’t say ‘no’ or set boundaries with partners.

With the support of a IFS informed sex therapist you can work with the parts on their beliefs and feelings around sex.

To learn more about IFS—check out my blog post about IFS.

There is so much more to explore when it comes sex therapy!

If you have any questions about sex therapy feel free to reach out.

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