Hamtramck Disneyland—Made by Ukrainian Artist Dmytro Szylak

Non-Violent Communication (NVC) was created by psychologist Marshall Rosenburg and is an effective communication skills approach to help people to communicate in their relationships, at work, in warzones or with your politically divided family at the next family reunion. NVC is a compassionate and non-judgmental approach and aims to get to the root of what one wants and needs and communicate that need in a way that is not aggressive or pushy. NVC helps to build and strengthen relationships between people creating a high quality connection between people—something we crave and literally need as human beings. We can all really use something to help us communicate better and aid us in getting through these divisive times that we are all currently living in.

NVC also facilitates in building more self-awareness because it helps one get in touch with their own true wants and needs. It encourages speakers to ask themselves, internally, before speaking—what is my intention behind what I am about to say. It also helps us ask for what we need in an authentic way. NVC also assists in better understanding your inner communication—the things you tell yourself—for example, ‘I will fail at this.’ Learning to identify the negative things you tell yourself and replace them with compassionate self communication. This can ultimately lead to better self-expression as we feel more connected to our wants and needs and feel more connected to others—leading to more confidence.

Four Components of NVC

1. The concrete actions we OBSERVE

2. How we FEEL in relation to what we are observing

3. The NEEDS, VALUES and DESIRES that create our feelings

4. The CONCRETE actions we request

In other words, commenting and speaking about what we are literally observing and not making assumptions, interpretations or evaluations of what we think is happening. Example: ‘I saw that the dishes are not done—you must have forgot or are too busy to do them’ (Not blaming or commenting on why you think they are not done or who should be doing them).

Comment on how we are feeling in relation to what we observed. Example: ‘When I see the dishes are not done—I feel overwhelmed and not considered.’

Commenting on your needs or desires: Example: ‘I need and want to feel consideration and support.’

Asking for concrete actions or using positive action requests (‘would you do the dishes’ instead of ‘stop not doing the dishes’), using specific language. Example: ‘Would you be willing to wash the dishes tonight.’

Empathy: Compassionate understanding that is respectful and humanizing.

Bad Communication Habits That We All Have

Life Alienated Communication:

Being motivated by fear, guilt, shame, duty, obligation or to obtain an extrinsic reward or to avoid punishment. These can be seen as ‘shoulds’ or ‘have tos.’ When we do things out of one of these motivations, it disconnects us from ourselves and builds resentment, disconnection to others and ultimately breaks down trust.

Example: ‘I should do the dishes because my partner expects me to.’ ‘You should do the dishes—because it is your turn.’

Denial of Responsibility:

Any language that shows lack of choice—‘I had to’ or ‘you made me do it.’ In NARM this is called lack of agency language—when people talk as if they have no control over their choices or responses. This can be helped by the speaker being able to take ownership over their actions and their feelings. Example: ‘I drank because you made me.’ Instead: ‘I chose to drink because I was feeling overwhelmed.’

Diagnosing others:

Name-calling, Judgements and Criticism- A way of pointing out what is wrong with others and how they are acting in ways that are inconsistent with your personal values. This type of communication can include insults and accusations. Example: ‘The problem with you is that you are irresponsible.’

Demands:

A demand is a request that is threatened with some sort of blame or punishment if not complied with. Example: Do the dishes or I won’t talk to you anymore.’

Justification of Awards and Punishment:

This communication demonstrates a belief that some actions deserve to rewarded and others punished. Example: ‘Do your chores and you can get dessert.’

Coercion:

Using, resentment, disconnection, conflict or others to motivate someone to comply. Example: ‘Sure, I will do the dishes again but I am not going to stop being angry with you until you eventually do them.’

Fix-it Language:

Advice for the listener based on what the speaker thinks is best and not based in what the listener is truly wanting or needing. Example: ‘You should do your chores because it will teach you to be more responsible.’

New Age Variation of Fix-it language:

‘Things will get better if you trust the universe.’

‘All things happen for a reason…’

Faux Feelings:

Saying ‘I feel…’ and following that with a thought. When we replace our feelings with thoughts we decrease the likelihood that we will be empathically understood. Example:’ I feel like…this is never going to get better.’

Divisive Times

You probably have noticed that we are living in divisive times politically and globally. It is easy to think of others, that believe different then us, in less than humanizing ways. It can feel really easy to not have compassion for other humans beings right now. It can feel tempting to get caught up in name calling or criticisms.

What NVC challenges us to do is to see the HUMAN in everyone—even the person that you may perceive as the enemy. We, as humans—no matter what our political affiliations, nationalities, races or genders are—have feelings, wants and needs that are core to us and our humanity. By choosing compassionate communication, instead of violent communication, we can connect to our fellow humans and repair some of this division. We can lose the ability to hear and listen to what our fellow humans are saying and sometimes worse—lose the ability to see them as human.

At your next family re-union, where you are likely to bump into a relative that has beliefs totally opposite of yours and is insisting on pushing their beliefs on you. You have a choice—you can engage with them in a way that is not respectful or compassionate or you can try to truly listen to what they may be feeling, wanting and needing. We can learn to model being non-judgemental, expressing compassion and finding common ground.

Tips for talking to others during these divisive times:

-Ask yourself how you would like to be treated by someone of a different political party to help you access some empathy.

-Ask yourself what your intentions are before saying something. Example: I want to say ‘your politician is a liar!’ but what I actually want to communicate is that I value integrity and honesty and I feel like this politician is not aligned with my values.

-Slow down the conversation.

-Take time to identify the needs (your need as well as their need). Example: I need to feel heard. Their need is to feel respected (confirm with them what their need is to make sure its accurate).

-Look for common ground. Example: ‘It sounds like we both believe that children shouldn’t be harmed.’

-Make sure there is some connection with the other person before moving into a solution. Example: ‘I am glad we had this talk and I feel like I understand where you are coming from—how would you like to move forward with preventing these heated debates at future gatherings?’

How does Non-Violent Communication help me have better sex?

Communication is necessary for two or more people to have any level of intimacy or connection. Nothing is an intimacy or desire killer more than being criticized, judged, or even worse—coerced. NVC helps lovers communicate their true feelings, wants and needs as well as to empathically listen to their partner(s) true wants and needs.

Sometimes we are disconnected from our own wants and needs and NVC aims to get us more connected to want we are truly wanting so that we can communicate it. All this positive communication reinforces a sense of connection, feeling present, trust and the sense that it is safe to be oneself around their partner.

Some lovers fall into some difficult communication patterns like not speaking truthfully, not taking responsibility and criticizing—this can result in feeling chronically disconnected and unsatisfied. Non-violent communication can help highlight these unhelpful patterns which is the first step towards repairing the communication.

In the bedroom

Non-violent communication helps us move passed cultural messages around what to believe about sex and helps us be very clear about what we like and don’t like—what we want and don’t want during sex. For example, telling a partner what kind of touch you like, where on your body you like it and when you would like it—being very specific.

Having better communication can move lovers from feeling disconnected to feeling-reconnected and igniting a much needed spark that can result in desire.

I like________ and I don’t like _____________.

Also it could be helpful to refer to the NVC needs chart. Maybe some sex needs that are needed during sex may not be necessarily sexual but could be a need for affection, play, self-expression or something else.

To learn more about sex therapy—check out my blog on sex therapy.